It’s Mothers Day this weekend and if you grew up on Television as we did, you feel as if you have DOZENS of Moms to celebrate with. TV Moms were just as much of a parent to us as our own Mothers. We learned not to play ball in the house, it’s fun to start a band with siblings, and that if they call you Beaver it’s a good thing. But just like your own family, TV Moms have skeletons in their closet too. Here are the 10 hottest TV Mom and their dirty little secrets.
10. Elyse Keaton (Family Ties) – A liberal post-hippie mom raising an arch-conservative son and two girls. Both Keaton parents take pride in their left-wing views and accomplishments. Easily an 8 on the hot TV mom scale and a 8.5 on the ‘teaching us values’ scale.
Dirty Little Secret: She attended a protest at the 1964 Republican Convention which took place at the Cow Palace in San Francisco. The trip also marked her time doing acid which was supplied by future Senator Gary Hart. During that time she streaked through the lobby, stole a bus full of reporters, ripped a mailbox from it foundation, and ended up having an all night sex-a-thon with former (R) Senator Henry Cabot Lodge Jr. of Massachusetts. From this affair spawned her first child (Alex P Keaton). A secret she she had to live with until her death, I mean series finale.
9. Debra Barone (Everybody Loves Raymond) – Mother of twin sons and one daughter. Married to one idiot. Gets a 7 on the hot mom scale but is a 10 on the tolerance scale.
Dirty Little Secret: Was once married with two children in Las Vegas, one night she killed a man over a scone forcing her to leave her family behind and start a new life with a new identity. She also likes it in the butt.
8. Tami Taylor (Friday Night Lights) – The ultimate sports mom and eye candy on the field. She supports her husband in his endeavors and still makes a tasty meal. Is an 8 on the hot Mom scales and another 8 in the “you wife is cooler than mine” chart.
Dirty Little Secret 18 years and $80,000 ago her name was Tim.
7. Rebecca “Becky” Donaldson (Full House) – Mother of twins, yet most of her time was taking care of a house full of adolescent-minded men. Gets a 9.5 on the hot Mom scale but only a 6 on the glamor scale since her husband had nice hair than her.
Dirty Little Secret: Didn’t think Bob Saget was funny either.
6. Laura Petrie (The Dick Van Dyke Show) – She turned Sexy Mothers into a cultural institution. Laura was only raising one child and you didn’t see him much but she was always there to greet her buffoon husband in a tight sweater and pointy breast that were ready for action. Achieves a 9 on the hot Mom scale and a 10 for usage of form fitting bras.
Dirty Little Secret: Was the only dancer in the U.S.O. (where she met husband Rob) that offered a ‘happy ending’.
5. Samantha Stephens (Bewitched) – The only Mom you could call a witch and not walk away with a limp. Hot and could whip up a hearty meal by flicking her nose. Sexy Motherhood scale of 8, ability to get ready for a night out in less than 4 seconds scale is a 10.
Dirty Little Secret: Killed the original Darrin off in his sleep during the first few years of marriage. While fearing she would be burned at the stake (unaware it was no longer done) she (with the help of Uncle Arthur) created a new Darrin out of backyard materials and used a spell to convince others that nothing changed. It only worked on a few viewers.
4. Kate Summers (Silver Spoons) Though only a step mother, she keeped up her Buck Rogers’ sexiness and gave us a reason to watch the crappy show. Hot TV Mom scale of 9 but gets a 10 on the ‘we can have sex with her cause she’s not related to us’ list.
Dirty Little Secret: Taught Alfonso Ribeiro how to dance the “Carlton”.
3. Shirley Partridge (Partridge Family) – Mother and band leader of 5. She taught us lessons in her music and how to hide a sexual relationship with your manager from your kids. She is only a 7.5 on the hot scale but gets an 11 on stage presence (11 is one more than 10).
Dirty Little Secret: Once blew Keith Richards in a Marriott for a bag of blow.
2. Joy Turner (My Name Is Earl) – Earl’s ex-wife (currently married to Darnell, aka “Crabman”). She is mother to Dodge and Earl Jr. Neither child is Earl’s. It’s a trailer park mess but there is no doubt she qualifies as a Mother. Gets a 10 on the Hot Mom scale but family values is a -3.
Dirty Little Secret: Was offered a full scholarship to Princeton.
1. Carol Brady – (The Brady Bunch) – She had three daughters from a previous marriage before marrying Mike, from which she gets three stepsons. Now a stay home mom to 6 yet still needs a housekeeper. Must be exhausting making that curl in the back of your hair. She would normally get a 7 on the hot scale but when your own TV son wants to nail you, you get a 10!
Dirty Little Secret: HOT LESBIAN SEX WITH ALICE! (Like you didn’t know).
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