We’re never so close to punching someone as we are when someone becomes overly concerned about our drinking.
“You know you have a drinking problem, right?”
Our response generally covers how fat they look in those pants. It’s usually not a response of denial but of annoyance. Why is it any of their concern that we might have a drinking problem? Aren’t they aware of all the great accomplishments that occurred while under the influence of alcohol? Don’t they know the great members of society who made this world a better place while being sh*t-faced drunk? Why can’t they honor the true alcoholic heroes of our time?
There are many. So many that they kept Wild Turkey and Oly on the shelves years longer than they should have been. So many icons had their hair held back as they vomited all while creating works of art, winning wars and entertaining the world. These are things they may not have been able to do if they weren’t three sheets to the wind.
Still not convinced? Then let us drop of few names of greatness. These are people who shaped and puked all over our world. Here are 10 People Who Made It Cool To Be Drunk.
10. Babe Ruth
No way to convince us otherwise, Bade Ruth was the greatest baseball player to ever take to the field. Ruth was the first player to hit 60 home runs in one season, setting the season record which stood for 34 years until broken by Roger Maris 1961. Ruth’s lifetime total of 714 home runs at his retirement in 1935 was a record for 39 years. Did he do this while on steroids or while training for hours at the gym? No, he did this on beer, whiskey and an abundance of hot dogs. Athletes today have a hard enough time staying out of jail or killing someone after having a few drinks in their system. Ruth made baseball an American past time pastime while sitting in his own urine.
9. F. Scott Fitzgerald
Fizgerald was a literary master who wrote wrote dozens of short stories and books including “The Great Gatsby.” He was considered as one of the twentieth century’s greatest writers. All of this was done before he reached the age of 44. Why before this? Because after this, he was dead. Fitzgerald wrote and drank more before 9 am than you do all month. He set the tone of the 1920s while barely remembering where he lived.
8. David Hasselhoff
Our second favorite “Knight Rider” star has completely managed to keep his life together while being under the influence of alcohol. His constant insobriety has allowed him to completely go through life unaware that society is laughing at him, not with him. The continual intoxication he keeps himself at helps him believe that his career is still on track, that he is admired by all and that Hasselhoff has talent. He is an inspiration for anyone who wants to be in denial that they are a untalented hack and serve no purpose in society (except Germany).
7. Ulysses S. Grant
Grant was General-in-Chief of the Union Army from 1864 to 1869 during the Civil War and the 18th President of the United States from 1869 to 1877. He was considered one of our greatest leaders in both the military and the White House. He even made it on the $50 bill. Do you have any idea how much alcohol that can buy you?
6. Otis Campbell
Otis worked as a glue dipper in a furniture factory Monday-Friday and drank all weekend. After a binge, Otis would usually lock himself in the town jail until he was sober. He had a key to the front door of the courthouse and the cell keys were hung on a nail near the cells. He showed us all that drunks and police could interact at a professional level and brutality was unneeded between the two. If more police forces offered “at will” drunk tanks we might not have to make that across town drive back home, while driving backwards.
5. Winston Churchill
Churchill served as Prime Minister from 1940 to 1945 and again from 1951 to 1955. A noted statesman and orator, Churchill was also an officer in the British Army, historian, writer and artist. He is the only British Prime Minister who has ever received the Nobel Prize in Literature and the second person to be made an Honorary Citizen of the United States. He gave England a long needed backbone during one of its weakest moments in history. Liquid courage is often used to talk to women, his was used to save a nation in turmoil.
4. Ernest Hemingway
Hemingway was a Pulitzer Prize author for “The Old Man And The Sea,” and won the Nobel Prize in Literature in 1954. Many of his works are now considered classics of American literature. He fought in both World Wars, lived each day to its fullest and became an iconic figure worldwide. Except for that whole killing himself part, he is a true inspiration for those drunks looking for a reason to get out of their chair.
3. Barney Gumble
Barney is the one friend everyone wants, the person who actually drinks more than you. He can make you feel better about yourself during tough times and can be used as an example when assuring others that your drinking problem could be worse. He is at the bar when you need to vent, well he pretty much is always just there. Barney, we salute you.
2. Lindsay Lohan
Actress, model, singer, drunk, slut, maker-of-bad-decision, Lindsay is everything we inspire aspire to be. No matter how drunk you get this weekend, and no matter how embarrassing those photos are that you’re being tagged in on Facebook, you know the following weekend she will suddenly make all your troubles seem so tiny and insignificant. All you need to do it just remember to wear panties.
1. Jesus Christ
Luke 7:34 - The Son of Man has come eating and drinking, and you say, ‘Look at him, a glutton and a drunk, a friend of tax collectors and sinners’
OMG! JESUS COULD PARTY! Here is a guy who could produce alcohol for you in seconds, and wasn’t even worried about his dad finding out. The Last Supper was probably one of the greatest parties ever until the Romans came and broke it up.
This piece was drunkenly put together by Bill Doty the Patron Saint of Internet Humor
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