We’ve all been in the supermarket reading the nutritional facts on a bag of Cheetos when we’ve seen a little kid being a brat and crying to his mother. You think to yourself, “I wonder how many calories I would burn by walking over there and smacking the sh*t out of that kid?” Wonder no more! Summer is nearly over and with the holiday season fast approaching, now is the time to take important steps to ensure that you don’t get fat. Does that mean healthy eating and exercising? Hell no! You burn calories while doing any activity, so you might as well be doing something fun.
Check out our list of six fun, and sometimes illegal, things you can do to shed those unwanted pounds. For the record we didn’t just pull these numbers out of our ass. We consulted professional fitness instructor Dave Ball. If Dave looks familiar, it’s because he’s on the current season of “Survivor.”
6. Masturbating
Choking the chicken, spanking the monkey, gettin’ the poison out, punching the clown, flogging the dolphin, rub one out, give it a tug, play the skin flute, a date with Ms. Michigan, the five knuckle shuffle, spit rocket shine, beating your meat, pickle tickle, five finger discharge, whatever you want to call it, masturbating is good for you. A vigorous bout of self-lovin’ gets the heart rate going and could burn as many as 300 calories. Just don’t get caught!
5. Keg Stands
You probably take in more calories than you burn, but no one cares. A one-minute keg stand could burn as many as 150 calories. Also, with any luck, you’re just going to puke up the beer anyway. Side note: Puking burns an additional 50 calories.
4. A Good Old Fashioned Orgy
The amount of calories you burn could vary slightly depending on your level of attractiveness. If you have never been in an orgy, the general rule of thumb is that the hottest girl or guy is usually going to be dealing with two people at once (use your imagination). So obviously that person is going to get a better workout than the folks who are just “one at a timing it.” Wherever you are in an orgy (even if you’re just the cameraman) you’re going to be burning tons of calories. In a totally wild Ron Jeremy hosted orgy you could burn as many as 1000 per hour.
3. Bar Room Brawl
We suppose the number of calories you burn depends on how long you can go before getting knocked out. The safest place to be is behind the bar where every once in a while you can chuck a bottle of booze at some biker who’s looking the other way. If you really want to get into the mix, we suggest you pick up a bar stool and swing that around. It’s great for the deltoids, triceps and abs. The average bar room brawler burns about 800 calories per fight.
2. Lighting A Bag Of Dog Poop On Fire And Running
It’s a bit childish, but it’s a great cardio workout. We recommend you only do it to people that you know are going to chase you or to crazy old men with guns. It’s basically like doing wind sprints except a lot funnier. A night of these juvenile hi-jinx burns about 800 calories.
1. Sloshball
This may be the best game ever created in the history of the Universe. The rules are simple. It’s exactly like softball except there is a keg at each base and a runner must down a beer before advancing to the next base. In later innings, when players get really drunk, the workout gets even more intense. Runners tend to stumble out of the baseline and fall down almost every play. Between all the side steps and getting back up, a 90 foot sprint becomes the equivalent of the 400 meter hurdles. Players can burn up to 1500 calories per game.
This post is by Justin Vestal who burns 1000 calories a day.
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