Look, we’re all paying our credit cards with other credit cards. We know how doomed you must feel. But fear not! Salvation lies in the faking of your own death! You’ve seen it on your favorite TV dramas, and it never seems to work. We here at Comedy.com are no drama, though! We present a much more no-nonsense guide to giving your creditors the ol’ stink-corpse grift (as they called it during the Great Depression)!
10. Send “I’m Sorry I’m About to Die” Cards To Friends And Family
The trick here is to give each of them a phone call before hand telling them to look for a code word in the card (such as avocado) that means you’re not really dead. Make sure to call them all from pay phones. Also, make sure you choose a realistic cause of death, like the popular disease of the week. Don’t pick something exotic like a falling anvil. Those are nearly impossible to predict.
9. Convert Assets Into Things That Won’t Be Repossessed
They could try to take your car, your furniture, your boat, your scuba gear and even your dolphin harness. Your best bet is to sell it all at a pawn shop and then take the money and purchase things that no company would ever possess, such as bags of sand, dirt or filth. Then when everything blows over, take the sacks of various scum to the pawn shop and buy back your valuable possessions.
8. Write An Emo Living Will
Living wills describe what you would like done if you are confined to a hospital in a persistent vegetative state. What better way to convince the world you’re dead than to write one in long, over the top whiny language. Go on about how bored with life you are, how every morning you roll over and beg death to take you and how much you like plodding complaining rock music. Then leave copies of the document around your office, one in your car, stuff one in your mailbox, etc.
7. Create Evidence That You Were Mortally Ill
Build an iron lung out of old garbage cans. Make IV bags from Capri-Sun pouches and hang them all over your home. Be creative!
6. Purchase A Plot At A Local Graveyard
Make sure not to waste a ton of money on a fancy gravestone. Creditors can only hunt you down for a few months, so you should be able to get away with one made of soft clay or paper mache. Just make sure your name and date of death are prominently displayed. Also, consider leaving bright, attention getting flowers.
5. Buy A Mannequin To Double As Your Corpse
You’ll want to have a mannequin buried in your grave ASAP. Be warned! Halloween is around the corner, and you may be tempted to purchase an inexpensive novelty coffin with a motorized vampire or zombie inside. These are incredibly obvious to homicide investigators who may unearth your grave and examine the mannequin.
Handy Tip: Get as realistic a fake body as possible, like the ones that model clothes at Old Navy. They’re so cheery.
4. Max Out Your Credit Cards
Make sure to do this in another country, so it looks like someone stole your identity.
Handy Tip: Remember to buy a lot of food. You’ll want to live in a cave or abandoned castle for a while until the heat dies down.
3. Stack Dead Animals Inside The Front Door
This way, your place will smell so much like a corpse that nobody will want to come inside, and you can leave your possessions untouched.
Handy Tip: Buy lots of Axe Body Spray while you’re in hiding, you’ll stink when you have to live in your house again.
Another Handy Tip: Avoid raccoon or opossum corpses, they carry too many diseases. Stick to cats, dogs, fish and muskrats.
2. Remember Not To Change Your Name!
Your friends and family will want to find you later, right? So don’t waste money on a new passport, Social Security card or driver’s license. It’s a recession, and that’s a scam.
1. Write Back To Creditors As Your Lonely Orphan.
No child? No worries! Invent an extra sad orphan name like “Patches” or “Lil’ Runny Nose” and write them long sad letter about what life is like without Mammy/Pip-Pap. Remember to use lots of quality orphan slang, and talk a lot about how you live on the streets fending for yourself… not in the abandoned house full of dead muskrats.
Sample letter:
Dear Money Express,
My name is Laddy, and I am the limbless orphan of the dear deceas’d ____, my Mammy. I’m awful regrettin’ the big ole pile of grease papes she ow’d ya, but I’m out in the drainage ditches lookin for a kittyfish to be warmin’ up my tummers. Alright, I’d better beat back this hear muskrat with my wooden rightie, he’s givin’ me the ol’ up’n downs with his hair eyeball.
-Laddy
PS: Please forgive all monetary debts and dismiss any pending legal action.
That ought to keep those sharks off your tail. Just remember, when in doubt, don’t pay!
This post was written by Raymond Fleury, who is spooning a muskrat right now.
Comments