A man’s inventing colorful euphemisms for his own testicles is a tradition as old and sacred as peeing one’s name in the snow. Each moniker has a reason, a history, a life of its own. One particular term may be extremely personal, taking years of deep thought and consideration while another might just blurt out of one’s mouth at a bachelor party or while doing a keg stand. Here are a few of my personal favorites.
15. Dong Cozy
There is nothing more comfortable than lying on the couch and letting my ween settle nicely between my two gentlemen like a Skin-Snuggie.
14. Cling and Clang
This is of course referring to the two bumbling constables from the children’s show “H.R. Pufnstuf.” One might recall how the small, red and blue creatures were always in the way and constantly banging into each other. (I also call my penis “Freddy, The Magic Flute” but that’s a whole other blog.)
13. Knuckle Bucket
My friend Jimmy came back from Wisconsin with this charming little pseudonym. I think it conveys the perfect imagery of a container and its contents.
12. Scrotes McGoats
I just like the way it rhymes.
11. My Brian Dunklemans
Just like the former “American Idol” host, my b*lls can be goofy looking, uncomfortable and unnecessary baggage that do nothing but drag down the rest of the show.
10. Huevos Rancheros
This is only applicable when I’m wearing briefs on an extremely hot day.
9. My Precious
I often have to remind my wife that, although I might yank the boys around willy nilly, they are actually quite delicate like a pair of Faberge Eggs. So when she reaches for them like she’s snatching a rolled up pair of socks from her dresser drawer, I cringe and hiss at her with the same tormented fear as Gollum from “The Lord Of The Rings.”
8. Man-Jugs (aka Dude-Rack)
As in, God took those two beautiful, soft swinging lumps of bliss that hang from a woman’s chest, shrunk them, wrinkled them and stapled them right under a man’s shlong. Yes, God exists and she’s got a wicked sense of humor.
7. Junk
It should be noted that this particular nickname is only acceptable if you’re including the “whole package.” While one’s “junk” does refer to one’s testicles, it also includes the bonus feature. This should not to be confused with a female having “junk in the trunk.” That’s a different kind of junk.
6. Ike and Chris
Named for Ike Turner and Chris Brown because they’re always looking for a female to beat on.
5. The Malachi Brothers
This brings us back to “Happy Days,” season 4, episode 65. The Malachi Brothers (Rocco and Count Malachi) sabotage Pinky Tuscadero’s car on the night before the big demolition derby. During the competition, Pinky’s car stalls and when she gets out to fix her engine, the evil brothers attack with their infamous “Malachi Crunch.” Pinky is hurt and taken to the hospital. Once there, she gives Fonzie her pink scarf. In short, sometimes my b*lls execute the “Malachi Crunch” on my wang.
4. Benny’s
Refers to the old “Benny Hill” TV show and more specifically, the two bald guys that Mr. Hill used to slap on the head (only appropriate after a good manscaping).
3. The Clock
When I go for a run and they’re swinging to and fro, it’s like the tic/toc of an antique clock. My wife points out that technically I should call them The Grandfather Clock, but as I approach my 40s I realize that the image of a grandfather’s low hanging bells will soon hit too close to home.
2. Nuts (aka Nutsack)
Never any confusion with this one. There is something to be said for the classics.
1. The Sperm Bank
As in “My b*lls could sure use a bailout.”
Remember even though they are the most sensitive part of your body, your b*lls don’t care what you call them.
Who doesn’t love their b*lls? Check out this skater who smashes his and this awesome video about testicle abuse.
This piece was written by Perry Sachs, who enjoys his b*lls.
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