We here at Comedy.com love to put things in our mouths. We especially love junk food. That’s why we were fascinated by all the bizarre, filthy and fantastic names of junk food products we found while searching for our favorite Malaysian M&Ms on the Internet. Check out the 20 Worst Names For Junk Food Products below.
20. Crap Chocolate Bars
Excellent for those who need something to wean them off their addiction to “2 Girls 1 Cup.”
19. Erektus Energy Drink
The can’s unique label design makes it impossible to take a sip without a dong hitting your face.
18. Mini-Dickmann’s
We might be able to overlook the words “mini-dick” in the title if the product didn’t look like, well…
17. Super Dickmann’s
Not content with popping mini boners into your mouth, Dickmann’s did themselves one better.
16. Chocolate Log
You should always examine your chocolate logs to make sure you are getting enough marshmallow bits in your diet.
15. Ayds Candy
This casualty of the 1980s health scare once had the slogan “Lose weight with Ayds.”
14. Pee Cola
Serve warm.
13. Golden Gaytime Bars
Stop into any New Zealand convenience store, ask for this sweet treat, and you’ll receive the keys to the men’s restroom.
12. Squirt Soda
Combining the unique taste of grapefruit and battery acid, Squirt’s motto was once “Tastes so good, you’ll wanna Squirt every day.”
11. Gushers Candy
If you don’t know what a gusher is, read this definition, preferably while sucking on one.
10. Big Nuts
The only one to blame for product names like this is society, for having soooo many testicle euphemisms.
9. Sips Megapussi Chips
Apparently, “pussi” means “bag” in some sexist-ass language.
8. Finger Marie
Makes you wonder, “Why can’t Marie finger herself?” Is she perhaps missing all of her fingers?
7. Asse Chocolate
We don’t read any languages, so we’re just going to assume this chocolate is really for your mouth.
6. Dwight Yoakam’s Macaroni Mouth Poppers
FUN FACT: It’s impossible to find a macaroni nugget that doesn’t resemble the elephant man-like face of Dwight Yoakam.
5. Choco Crack Cereal
Sonny from Coco Puffs has no idea the thrills he’s missing.
4. Filipinos
We can’t decide what’s worse, the racial insensitivity of this product name or the fact that Filipinos can now be considered unhealthy.
3. Pecker
You have to wonder about a candy that resembles something your doctor swabs you with.
2. Doobys cereal
When those crazy kids try to steal this mascot’s cereal… well, he’s actually pretty chill about it.
1. Cream Collon
The ultimate irony is that these treats contain fiber.
Junk food is delicious. Check out this nipple candy and 10 Songs About Food That Are Really About Sex.
Evan Hoovler co-wrote the National Lampoon book “Pimp It Yourself.” He is executive producer of the sketch comedy troupe Drunk Nerds.
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