Look, we’re all poor, and we can’t always make those “rents.” You know what we’re talking about. We’re talking about that fee we’re charged for wanting to live indoors. It’s ridiculous! Why should we have to pay for our forefathers forgetting to put “free housing” in the U.S. Constitution? At any rate, we’ve recently realized that bad people can eventually come and yank you out of your apartment, so we’ve cobbled together our favorite techniques for buttering up the landlord.
10. Decorate everything in mosaic tiles.
What’s more beautiful than smashed up ceramics and pebbles glued to every hard surface? Well, we saw it in a hotel in the Bahamas that we found on the Internet and thought it sounded cool. It’s so cheap! So start smashing plates and pots and get creative. We hear people can sometimes fashion imagery out of different colored tiles, but frankly we don’t like to restrain our creativity like that. This is a gift for the landlord sure to increase the property value tenfold! Don’t hold back! Let it bleed out into the hallway and offer to get your neighbors’ units as well. They will be eternally grateful. If they decline, consider smashing in their windows, doing it by force while they are at work and work the broken glass into the mosaic to hide the evidence.
9. Grow marijuana in the laundry room.
Who doesn’t like to smoke pot? Well, lots of people it turns out, but everyone loves to have it grown in their basement. Laundry rooms are notorious wastes of space. Just make sure you offer to do all the harvesting, upkeep and selling of the marijuana for your landlord. Nobody likes being given extra work to do.
8. Paint optical illusion murals in the hallways.
Hallways are so boring, and did you know we spend approximately 22 years of our life standing around in them? We did a research study. Nothing is more fun than a mural that plays an optical trick on you. It’s like having portals to other dimensions just splattered all over the place! Use stencils if it makes it easier. Don’t be shy about ceilings. They’re often called nature’s most unused resource.
7. Get a reality show to film in the building.
Get whatever kind of show will come! It’s great publicity! People will be banging down your landlord’s door for a chance to live where “Real Emo Vampire Drug Dealers” was filmed. Sometimes production companies will even pay YOU! Just know that it’s a competitive market and “The Real World” might be out of your league. You may have to start out with college film students without a budget. They actually encourage you to have drunken parties. Fights only lead to a better storyline for the show, and therefore more interest generated for the landlord!
6. Offer to chase the local homeless away.
The homeless are everywhere. They’re all over the place, especially the modern urban landscape. Likely they’re in your alley right now eating some beans or jousting on giant rats. Tell your landlord that in exchange for a few months rent, you will brandish a sword and fight back these sneaky “Warriors of the Gutter.” Nobody wants to be the one to do it as the homeless are dangerous and carry a menagerie of improvised weapons made of lawn tools and car parts. Put your life on the line, and ask your Ren Faire friend if you can borrow their broadsword.
5. Leave your landlord Dunkin Donuts Munchkins with prizes inside.
The prize is key. Anyone can bribe someone with a box of Munchkins. It’s how we got passed the majority of our college classes. Think creatively. Think of homemade ashtrays, mix CDs, pot munchkins you made from the plants downstairs, you get the idea. It’s the amount of love you put into it that counts. This is to appeal to their sense of humanity with a combination of elbow grease and sugary pastry. This is a most delicious mix.
4. Offer to paint their portrait.
You don’t have to be a professional painter. It’s creative risks that count! All you need is a photograph of them, some paints and a canvas. But you’ll want a real good photograph. Stop by their place whenever you have a free moment and ask to take some posing photographs. Maybe keep the painting a secret surprise and tell them you just want the photos for personal reasons. If you plan on doing a nude portrait, don’t worry about asking them to take off their clothes for the photo. You can “imagineer” their naked bits later when you’re alone in your apartment with a half a bottle of whiskey fueling your painting juices.
3. Slip IOU massage certificates in where you would normally turn in rent checks.
Everyone loves abrasive hands grinding the sorrow out of their shoulder blades. Don’t go crazy. Start with just one. Too many, and you’ll drive down the street market value.
2. Slip LSD in with the (sure to bounce) rent checks.
So nothing has worked so far, not even those massage certificates. What better than LSD, the drug that seeps into your fingertips when you touch it, whether you like it or not. If you’re skilled in making the paper yourself you can lace a SASE with LSD asking for them to send you an eviction notice in writing. When they lick it, boom! Off to happy town! Even if they don’t enjoy the trip, they might literally trip down the stairs and die. Then, free apartment!
1. Send them a “Rent Free Lease” with instructions on how to get their cat back.
Hostages are like double-bribes you’re teaching them how valuable the things they already have are, and offering to make things just like they used to be if they follow very specific instructions. Just remember to put “no police” in writing, it keeps you from being legally responsible for what happens to the cat.
Does the recession have you down? Check out 7 Things Rappers Can Talk About in the Recession and the 5 Institutions Hit Hardest by the Recession.
Posted by Raymond Fluery, who lives next door.
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