We all deal with conflict in different ways: learning how to fight, yelling at people in Radio Shack and hitting women with riot batons. And of course, there’s always the tried and true methods of stuttering, sweating and crying. But for a moment, imagine you have at your disposal some of the most effective defense mechanisms in the animal kingdom. Imagine, the next time your boss is yelling at you, you intentionally explode your body’s glands, killing him and yourself. I mean, that’s totally how the Malaysian Ant would handle the situation. Without further ado, here are 10 Animal Defense Mechanisms That Would Be Awkward If Employed By Humans.
10. Breaking Your Leg Bones Until They Poke Through The Skin And Become Claws
The Hairy Frog (or “Horror Frog,” as it’s colloquially known), intentionally breaks its own bones until they poke through the skin, and then wields its shattered skeleton as claws. Do not try this in a human fight; compound fractures will definitely impede your ass-kicking ability.
9. Shooting Boiling Fluid Out Of Your Anus
When threatened, the Bombardier Beetle unleashes jets of extremely hot fluid out of its anus. In this way, the Bombardier Beetle is a lot like your cousin.
8. Exploding Blood Out Of Your Eyes
The Horned Lizard increases sinus pressure until its eyes explode and spray blood onto its attacker. Unless you have acid blood like those creatures in “Aliens” and you’re ok with being blind for the rest of your life, forgo this defense mechanism.
4. Covering Yourself With Your Own Feces
Potato Beetle larvae cover themselves with their own poisonous feces to become unappetizing to predators. Needless to say, this defense tactic would be slightly more awkward (and probably time consuming) when employed by humans.
5. Spontaneously Combusting
When confronted by predators, the Malaysian Ant detonates its glands, killing the predators (and itself). Please insert your own jihadist joke here.
6. Inflating Yourself Like A Balloon
The Puffer Fish inflates its whole body to several times its normal size and extends sharp spikes from its skin. The next time your boss is yelling at you, try puffing out your cheeks. Your boss won’t think you’re bigger and more imposing, but he will think you’re crazy and leave you alone.
7. Hiding Inside Your Shell
When turtles feel threatened, they duck into their shells and wait out the danger. While this works for turtles, humans may find carrying around a giant shell cumbersome and embarrassing.
8. Playing Dead
Opossums “play dead,” slipping into a semi-comatose state to discourage predators interested in live prey. In this way, the opossum is a lot like the guy who got fired last Tuesday.
9. Melting
To escape into nooks and crevices, the Sea Cucumber can shift into a gelatinous liquid. Like the Nickelodeon character Alex Mack, but ugly, green, and brainless. So, he’s exactly like Alex Mack.
10. Emitting Horrible Odor
Who can forget the skunk? When confronted, he farts. Is it the most human of animals? You decide.
These animals are gross. Let’s change the subject by checking out these 12 Adorable Animals With Lightsabers and 10 Ugliest Babies On YouTube. They’re still cuter than anything melting before your eyes.
Posted by Dan Haley, who finds gelatinous ooze delicious.
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