A psychedelic trip can make us feel like we went to the moon and back. In actuality, all we probably did was spend seven hours in a tree wondering if Super Mario’s schlong is bigger than Pac-Man’s. (Pac-Man did eat all of those protein pills, and Ms. Pac-Man was a fatty.) But, some cultures actually got together, got ripped, and did things… crazy, messed-up things.
15. Hunt
Followers of the Bwiti religion in Africa took a dose of roots that would give them a multiple-day high. Symptoms include the horrible combination of anxiety and hallucinations. Then, they armed themselves with weapons and went hunting.
14. Get Sacrificed
Usually, getting killed to please some deity was an honor to the Aztecs. Remember, these are the practical-minded people who developed an advanced system of mathematics in only about 1,000 years. They also got prisoners balls-to-walls high on peyote before sacrificing them. Coming down hard was not a problem, obviously.
13. Hunt Witches/Act Like Witches
The Salem Witch Hunt was a totally shocking and unique period in colonial history when people were actually persecuted for acting different. A widely-accepted theory is that everyone involved, from witches to persecutors, was frying balls on old rye bread that had turned into primitive L.S.D.
12. Throw Up Violently
As a “cure for stomach worms,” Peruvian Amazonians would ingest one of the foulest hallucinogens on the planet. According to Bartholomew Dean’s “Urania Society, Cosmology, and History in Peruvian Amazonia,” Ayahuasca was ingested and made these poor stoners throw up tremendously. (Also, there was some poo.)
11. Prevent Infection
According to studies, Peyote can stop many infections. Native Americans must have known this, as there couldn’t be any other reason for frequent mescaline ingestion.
10. Go To Work (On Top Of A Mountain)
For various totally boring science-y reasons, cocaine will help you work at high altitudes (or on the set of “Saturday Night Live”). Andean mountain workers have known this for centuries, and make sure to chew a bunch of coca leaves before and during a long shift in the thin air.
9. Traverse The Desert Without Food
Using what supermodels have known for thousands of years, Australian Aborigines use nicotine to suppress hunger. This is particularly useful when traveling the large, food-scarce deserts of Australia. The pituri plant has a huge amount of nicotine, and it is sometimes all Aborigines need to get across a desert for weeks at a time.
8. Discover Fractal Mathematics
When they weren’t busy building important alien runways, or predicting the end of the universe over and over again, Mayans were dosing hard on mushrooms and developing advanced mathematical equations that are still used today.
7. Try To See The Future
For many centuries, a cocktail known as Soma was the drug of choice for diviners and priests. The Rig Veda, in particular, would get really wasted on Soma and “divine” the future. I assume while seeing the future, they all saw some archaeologists digging them up, pulling out their livers, and remarking, “Dang, these people drank a lot of Soma!”
5. Have Sex Without Ejaculating (Men Only)
In ancient China, an effective way to stop premature ejaculation was to smoke opium. This falls under every culture’s tendency to take their strongest drug and try to use it to cure everything.
4. Drill Open Skulls
Back to ancient Peru for this one, where trepidation is widely believed to be a cure for… stuff. Peruvians would use cocaine to numb the obvious pain caused from boring into the skull. Then, to cure the demons causing your inevitable addiction to cocaine, they would just drill more holes, or something.
3. Mourn
After a funeral, Scythians would go into tents and burn the heck out of cannabis seeds until they were full-on hotboxing. This is just like an Irish wake, except without all the punching and puking.
2. Induce an Abortion
Ancient Persians used cannabis to therapeutically induce an abortion. That’s probably the strongest weed in history. Frat boys everywhere are on the hunt for that right now.
1. Go to War
Over in Ancient India, doing opium and cannabis before battle was totally the way to get pumped. Instead of giving a rallying motivational speech to a slumping army, a military leader would pass around a bowl. No, kidding, there’s even a legend about a soldier smoking up some weed and opium, then taking out an elephant.
That’s drugs in the past. To hear all about drugs in the future, watch the “Jetsons” Theme Song Extended To Include Junkies, Affairs And Robot Babies. We also recommend this Anti-Drug And Alcohol Music PSA.
Evan Hoovler co-wrote the National Lampoon book “Pimp It Yourself.” He is executive producer of the sketch comedy troupe Drunk Nerds.
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