The season is upon us, and more than ever vampires are in style. There are how many vampire shows on the air right now? There’s that one on HBO where the whole point is to see graphic vampire sex . (On that topic, check out 10 Vampires That Suck Less Than The Ones In “True Blood”). There’s the one for teenagers about a vampire who keeps a diary for some reason. Oh, and there’s a movie about some model named Twilight (and Robert Pattinson’s penis). Is the one where they fight werewolves a series of movies or a TV show? Is “Buffy” still on? They should make a sequel to Jonathan Lipinicki’s “The Little Vampire.” Now is clearly the time. Children growing up now probably think vampires were invented by the movies, and have no idea that people were once so primitive and dumb that they actually believed they could be attacked by one.
I remember when vampires were creepy, ugly, ancient, and disgusting. Well, most of the time. That was the idea. If we’re honest with ourselves, we’re at least five generations deep when it comes to lame, cartoonish vampires. This is especially true at Halloween. Will this be the year we only see vampires that look like pale models? Will we finally lose the greasepaint-widows-peaks and ridiculously funnel shaped cape collars? I hope not. But just in case, here’s a quick rundown of everything that can bad that can happen when you take the idea of a vampire and get it really, really wrong.
20. Looking Sad Does Not a Vampire Make
Look, I know you’re depressed that you have a lame costume, but you found a tube of scarlet lipstick or perhaps a packet of Kool-Aid powder. Now that you’ve drawn some pathetic dribbles of red on your chin, commit to the part! Vampires don’t pout and use your unpaid bills as character motivation. Vampires are infinite and forever. They ride giant ghost wolves for fun, or something.
19. Lips Are Not For Fang Drawings
Wow. Really? You couldn’t get some wax teeth? This was all you could do? Don’t you know they just look like weeping herpes sores? Look, I know we’re in the middle of a horrible recession, but at least pick some sharp pieces of gravel out of your driveway and hold them in your gums. Sound painful? Then I’m sorry, you’re not ready to portray an undead creature in a blood pact with the Devil.
18. If It Fits In Your Pocket, It’s Not A Costume
Look, you get points for creativity, and maybe an extra one for practicality. Maybe everyone in your life hates Halloween, and from the moment you wake until the moment you walk into the costume party you are haunted by humorless family members and co-workers who threaten to disown or fire you if you celebrate the holiday for even a second. Let’s say that’s a given. Then perhaps when you arrive at the party you should have a friend there with a costume, you sneak in the back, and you change into it in the bathroom. But if you see a pencil and and think you can just print out some teeth you found on the Internet, you’re a dullard and a dimwit. And really, vampire teeth are the canines. Below we see some extra-sharp lateral incisors. I’m not a dentistry nerd, I learned about the different kinds of teeth in fourth grade! Look at a picture of teeth! Where are the sharp ones? For the love of Vlad, do some basic homework.
17. Tarp With a Collar
The very inclusion of a collar seems like a trick of some kind. Clearly this cape could be purchased at any simple drugstore with an EZ makeup kit included. But, this guy has no make-up on at all. I think this is homemade from a tarp, camping tent, or industrial strength garbage bag, perhaps crafted by this gentleman’s own mother, who lives only a hallway door away.
16. “Moulin Rouge” Style
What collection of poor costumes would be complete without the token store-bought “sexy” edition? And so here we are, the “Sexy Vampire” costume currently for sale on dozens of websites this year. How great that you want to be in a garish musical theater number that is part Victorian, part modern stripper. Do I deny that this lady succeeds at sexiness? Of course not. As far as I can tell, the bottom half of the costume is sold separately, and I’m not complaining. But not even a pair of teeth? Uh oh. Maybe they’re in the bottom half of the costume.
15. Vampire Elvis
I was unable to find a non-model sporting this costume, which includes vampire teeth and a webbed cape. While charming in a “complete waste of time” kind of way, it makes me think too hard. So Elvis was bitten when he was thin and attractive? Okay, great, but that means we’re now officially in an alternate universe, because he was clearly found dead and bloated on a potty. So this alternate universe (thin) Elvis is he a superhero? Because he’s clearly a glam-rocker type now, unashamed of the evil secret coursing through his veins. So, I guess this “could” be a good costume if you are willing to tell me the extended science fiction tale such a character begs for. But if you just show up at a costume party dressed like this going “Huh huh, get it?” then I will punch you in the babymaker.
14. Chubby Dracula
While not so much a costume, this is really a type of person who shouldn’t wear a costume. I felt it necessary to address, regardless. Look, I have nothing against heavy set people. For the sake of argument, let’s say they’re better than me in every way. Better lovers, better fighters, better competitive eaters, whatever. But I have bad news for you folks. You don’t get to be Dracula. Sorry. The anatomical implications are too staggering. As if blood suckers weren’t scary enough, you’re engorging yourself to the point of fatness? Are you having at entrails like spaghetti? And what’s wrong with your digestive system? I thought vampires didn’t have one, and that’s how they stayed so seductively gaunt. See I’ve grossed myself out just thinking about it. Apologies to the poor model in this costume, but you shouldn’t have taken this gig for the good of society.
13. Kid Rocker Vampire
This is the final entry in the stretch of “costume models” that I’m referencing. So I must stress even more than last time, no offense meant to this model. You did your best, kid. But this “kid rocker vampire” seems to be borrowing from the 1958 concept of a rocker, completely with denim and leather jacket, plus a mohawk that wasn’t fashionable at any point in time. Maybe the idea is that the vampire child has been alive so many centuries that he is struck with immortality vertigo and dresses like a timeless chump. Or, maybe a child’s costume designer is an imbecile. One of those two scenarios is likely.
12. Clown Vampire
I found this picture on a site advertising fun, friendly, all ages clowns available also in vampire form. Obviously they forgot one important fact, all clowns are creepy, especially amateur ones available for children’s parties. So a “harmless” vampire clown looks a lot like a serial killer just mistakenly put on probation. The lesson here is: if you like to hang out with kids and have a good old fashioned laugh while celebrating their annual birth date, don’t dress like a morose nightmare creature whose birthdays are endlessly scratched into the sands of time like ash upon the winds of Hell. Also, two sets of eyebrows? Come on.
11. Rent-A-Tux Dracula
This guy had a tuxedo rental left over from DJing a friend’s wedding and thought “Hey, Dracula dressed nice, right?” And so he half-heartedly put on white greasepaint and an amulet. White greasepaint seems to be the go-to for a lot of these vampires. I guess it’s laying around everywhere. But ,was Dracula really known for having an amulet? I guess so, because it stands in stark contrast to the rest of this guy’s costume, which clearly took no effort at all.
10. Color Blind Vampire
Alright, you get an A+++ for effort. You put an extraordinary amount of work and detail into being one hot mess. Why do you think vampires wore so much eye-melting bright red? And the hair… you look more like a weird magma-elf that lives in a volcano than a vampire.
9. The Copy Of A Copy
With the exception of his misplaced canines (I won’t rail on that twice.) there is no one detail wrong here. But look at the lackluster greasepaint, the floppy collar, the limpy slicked back hair. This fellow discovered what vampires were maybe just yesterday, And he didn’t get it. His friend was just like “Vampires are these dudes who dress like princes! They’re pale and have sharp teeth for some reason! Whatevs!” And that was enough for this guy. He wanted in. Too bad he is a total nerd, and has no creativity or commitment. This is the Rick Astley of Halloween costumes- mediocre and formulaic, lacking and true substance without breaking any rules. And the face he’s making is kind of gross.
8. Still A Hipster
You got so close! You went crazy Nosferatu! You blacked out your non-sharp teeth (If your only two teeth are sharp, who cares which ones they are!) you went bald, you got crazy eyebrows and whited out your real eyebrows, you got pointy ears, your skull and eye are bleeding for some unknown reason, you have a rat necklace, you are accompanied by a Were Komodo Dragon. You did it! Why oh WHY did you have to wear a sexily unbottoned denim shirt and leather jacket then? ARGH! Your need to continue to impress the opposite gender even in Halloween ugliness makes me sick. Mostly because I have never made an effort to impress the opposite sex, and I resent your perseverance.
7. What Are Cheekbones?
People put makeup on their cheeks to make them appear sunken. It’s subtle. We’re not sure what you were thinking when you drew these wacky mutant sideburns, but it doesn’t work. Maybe you thought they were sideburns, and that one of the side effects of undeath is having sideburns that crawl up the side of your face. But, you’re a lady vampire who has no business with sideburns. So, you’re extra weird.
6. Greasepaint Fail
This gentleman purchased one of those drugstore instant vampire kits and had at it. Good lord, I know that kit is junk, but you’re meant to use a mirror. How can you even leave the house like this? It looks like you rubbed your face on the bottom of a wet dumpster. Were you getting the DTs when you drew on your face? If this picture had not been labeled “vampire,” I’d have just assumed you were going as as a sweaty corpse.
5. LOLcatula
Take your cat to the doctor! It has a goofed up eye! Stop draping fabric over it and auditioning it for ICanHasCheezburger.com.
4. Dracula the Dirty Old Man
This is actually a professional costume for a very, very, very gross low-budget porn called “Dracula (The Dirty Old Man).” Because it can’t just be Dracula porn, Dracula has to be played by a gross old dude. I know what you’re thinking, that isn’t the worst Dracula costume. But trust me, this photo is cropped for your protection. Fun lameness about the film:
- His name is Count Alucard, because apparently spelling Dracula backwards is a joke somehow. But the movie still refers to him as Dracula. What?
- He speaks in an overdubbed, over-the-top Yiddish accent.
- He fights a werewolf at the end. Sort of. It’s more of a slap fight with dude wearing a carpet.
3. Baron Blood
Vampires have made it into the world of comic books many times, but sometimes they are given a classic supervillain treatment and wear tights. The most horrendous example is Baron Blood. Oh, where to start with this guy’s costume? The wings look more like non-functional parts of a figure skater’s costume. And, of course, he had to keep (and exaggerate) the most useless of staple, that wacky collar. And what the heck is going on with those ears? It’s as if, despite being in skin tight spandex, he suddenly requires the literal function of giant bat ears in order to hunt his prey.
2. Emo Nerd Dracula
One can safely guess the following about what this gentleman is like when he is not dressed up as Dracula:
-He owns a lot of longsleeve plaid shirts, but is not a professional lumberjack.
-He has long purple hair outside of October.
-His fingernails are black year round as well.
-He clips his cell phone to his belt so he’ll be ready the first time it rings.
It’s the not the detail of his face makeup that spooks me, it’s that he went into that much detail at all. Nearly every inch of his face has a line, tear, or shadow drawn on it. All with the skill of a fifth grader doodling in the margins of his math notebook. You would think that someone who clearly spends 20 hours a day playing “World of Warcraft” would have a flair for the creepy undead that translates to a decent costume.
1. Weapon Fetish Vampire
I was extremely hesitant to even post this one. Clearly he is one taunt away from snapping and disemboweling someone. However, the joy of Halloween is its innate silliness, so I am going to attempt to do the right thing and include this deluded soul in his rightful place. First of all, how many Halloweens in a row are you going to waste building a costume around those weird weapons you own? There was Skull Finger Batman, Disturbing Leatherman Austin Powers, Machete Darth Vader… Enough is enough! Secondly, you’re like-15 years-old! Your parents aren’t going to let you leave the house with those, and nobody’s going to let you show those off at the party. You’re just going to look like yet another lame vampire. Why is only your face white? Why the witch’s wig? What’s with the raccoon eyes? Why is your cheek bloody… or is that a lady’s kiss??? Look dude, we know you’re yet another alienated dork desperately railing against the jocks of the world, but Halloween is a time for fun, fake, celebratory scary. Oh well, at least you got the teeth right.
Halloween is just around the corner. Prepare by checking out these 20 Knockoff Halloween Costumes and the 13 Worst Wolverine Costumes.
Posted by Raymond Fleury who loves the taste of Kool-Aid blood.
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