Tales of grand theft are often so daring that our readers find themselves gripping their toilet seat with excitement. Even ladies love grand theft. The readers might even “leave some DNA evidence at the scene,” if the robbery description also features an equally genius/ridiculous getaway, which is the case with the following freaky stories of skirting the law. They’re almost as good as these 15 Video Game Related Crimes. Here are 8 Robberies With Spectacular Getaways.
8. The French Sewer Connection
Albert Spaggiari was a Frenchman who, believe it or not, believed in pacifism. He was also a criminal mastermind who couldn’t resist a genius plan when he saw it. For Spaggiari, that plan involved digging a tunnel through the vast French sewer system into a bank vault. The French sewer system is so dirty, only low-income cockroaches live there. This guy wanted to spend weeks mucking around in it.
The Heist
He got together with some friends, who just happened to be organized criminals, and spent two months continuously drilling. Upon breaking into the vault in the middle of the night, the gang welded the vault door shut, ensuring they had hours of security. They then robbed safety deposit boxes of money and valuables totaling over 10 million dollars. That wasn’t enough for Albert, who found a bunch of high-society naked pictures and posted them on the bank vault walls. Albert apparently liked to stage elaborate jokes for no one in particular, because he also decided to have a picnic with his cohorts inside the bank vault, before packing up and leaving. Nothing like a bunch of naked celebrity pictures to build up an appetite.
The Escape
Well, they just left through the tunnel they drilled. But, the crazy came after Spaggiari was rounded up and put on trial. After distracting the judge with a fictitious piece of evidence, Spaggiari jumped out of the third-story window. He landed safely on a parked car, and hopped onto the back of a waiting motorcycle. Spaggiari was never apprehended, again, although he did give a TV interview. The fact that he wasn’t apprehended during the televised spot probably means that if you embarrass the French enough, they’ll just leave you alone.
7. The Thomas Craigslist Affair
The economy is so bad, people will show up for any job posting on Craigslist, and will wear almost anything. We would have taken advantage of this purely for comedy. This idea wasn’t enough for Anthony Curcio, who make the peanut-butter-chocolate-esque combination of hilarity and crime.
The Heist
Using an open wireless connection, Curcio used the well-known site to post a job listing. For $28.50 per hour, interested applicants were asked to stand outside a bank wearing a respirator mask, a yellow vest, and safety goggles. (Tip: Don’t post this in the “Casual Encounters“ section.) After a group of men had gathered outside the bank, wearing stated attire, Curcio rolled up, rocking a similar getup. He then pepper-sprayed a Bank of America armed truck driver, grabbed the cash, and ran away. When police got on the scene, they were distracted by the many men dressed exactly like the suspect.
The Getaway
Deciding his plan had enough genius, but needed a dash more ridiculousness, Curcio planned his getaway using an inner tube. A… freaking… inner… tube. Rather than simply change clothes, point at one of the less English-friendly goggle-clad men, and yell “He did it”(as we often have done), Curcio decided to jump into a nearby river and float away. His escape was initially successful. However, police found DNA evidence at the scene. (Did the respirator costume excite him that much?) Curcio was arrested a few days later in a Target parking lot, so apparently he didn’t really get all that rich from this mad scientist scheme.
6. Bandits In Sweden Enact Project Mayhem From “Fight Club”
A recent heist took place when robbers in Sweden had had enough of playing “Grand Theft Auto,” and decided to get real. Armed with bombs, remote control explosives, guns, and road spikes, the crew landed on a Swedish cash depository in a helicopter. No word on whether or not they had to hang their giant balls outside the chopper.
The Heist
Early in the morning, the group landed on top of the cash building. Using explosives, they took out a wall and entered the building. Moving with ninja-like precision, the robbers worked their way through the depository. Like Kiefer Sutherland chasing a cocktail waitress, the robbers knocked down everything in their way, including walls, doors, and fences. After 15 minutes, the gang was on the roof again, ready to take off.
The Getaway
The police were ready, too. Ready like a teenage boy is ready to make-out with a girl, and just as ineffective. Dozens of officers rushed to vehicles and helicopters in an attempt to surround the scene. However, the robbers had planned ahead. Approaching police cars were met with road spikes, blowing out their tires. Well-placed explosives at the heliport prevented the police from chasing in a chopper. This gave the bandits enough time to fly to a nearby park and get away, presumably while cackling madly and dancing a jig.
5. The Flying Bandit
Ken Leishman was a Canadian criminal who somehow stayed sober long enough during his childhood to learn how to fly a plane. In the 1960s, Leishman did two things. The first was father seven children, the second was plan what was to become the biggest gold heist in Canadian history.
The Heist
From all his time spent hanging around airports looking for stuff to steal, Leishman had learned a lot about regular flights shipping gold across the country. Leishman recruited four accomplices, and made them all fake Air Canada employee uniforms. This shows a gentler time in public aviation, when airport security likely consisted of people signing friendly pledges promising not to curse. The day of the heist, Leishman and his crew stole an Air Canada van and rolled the tarmac. Grabbing the gold, they drove away safely. However, a sudden blizzard slowed them down, and Leishman was arrested.
The Getaway
While in jail, Leishman broke out and hotwired an airplane, flying it out of the country to safety. This whole story portrays Canada in the 1960s as a place where airplanes were just sitting around and security was totally lax. It makes one wonder why more people weren’t stealing cars and airplanes. Oh, right, the sobriety thing.
4. Biggest Gem Robbery in British History
British culture will always have the edge on the U.S. in terms of manners and politeness. Whereas you might rob a bank wearing a chocolate-stained “Sweatin‘ To The Oldies” tank top, British robbers prefer to show a little more class. Which is why two robbers dressed in their finest three-pieced suits and perfectly-coiffed hair took a taxi to rob a ritzy place called Graff Jewelers. You keep it classy, Britain’s seedy underbelly.
The Heist
Entering the building through a security door, the two men produced guns and took 65 million dollars worth of gems, which is exactly two butt-loads. Taking a lady hostage, the men spilled out into the street, and dragged the woman towards a waiting BMW. After firing a warning shot, the thieves released the lady and sped away.
The Getaway
The getaway didn’t go as un-hilariously as they had planned. Soon after speeding away, the two crashed into a taxicab. Probably not wanting to pay the exorbitant price for BMW body work, the robbers spilled out into the street. Things did not go so well, they had to fight their way through a crowd of local drunk bar patrons, who tried to engage the two robbers in fistfights. They were only able to get rid of the bar patrons by firing shots into the ground to scare them off. Then they hopped into another getaway vehicle (probably obtained by politely asking a passing motorist, oh those Brits!), drove a few miles, and hopped into a third car before getting away.
3. The Big Heist At The Lufthansa Airport
It takes a lot of planning to hijack a shipment of untraceable cash. Fortunately, this is just the sort of thing the mafia has men hard-at-work on all day. That’s what happened when a gang of thugs descended on Lufthansa in 1978.
The Heist
As previously mentioned, the mob had a tip that a shipment of untraceable cash was coming through, and decided to intercept it. You may recall this was a major plot point to the movie, “Goodfellas.” To disable the security crew, a gang hid in the cafeteria and called security in one-by-one. Like week-old tuna casserole, the gang was able to overpower each security guard in the cafeteria. Soon, all of the cash was in a van, ready to exit the airport.
The Getaway
These kinds of getaways, as you can imagine, are sophisticated. They include something called a “crash car.” A crash car is sent to follow the van with the cash, and crash into and police cars that get in the way. Pretty much you got to drive the cash car as your special reward for getting caught banging the Don’s daughter. Everything went perfectly according to plan. Well, except for one thing. The guy who was supposed to park the van got high and stuck it in a no parking zone. That loose thread pretty much completely unraveled this otherwise tight-knit job.
2. The Norco Shootout
Despite the laid-back attitude of Southern Californians, their criminals sure know how to hustle (at least that’s what Tupac told me). It always seems the most violent, well-planned robberies take place in the banks of Los Angeles and the surrounding area. This was certainly the case with the Norco Shootout in 1980.
The Heist
Five robbers amassed an Acme-esque stockpile of weapons. Automatic rifles, homemade explosives, shotguns, other guns, and a zillion bizarre prison-like weapons. Seriously, haven’t these guys ever heard of robbing a bank with a note? Plus, they only left the bank with $20,000. Not a huge heist considering they were already surrounded by police. The five robbers should probably have just considered trying to win the big $20,000 prize on “Family Feud.”
The Getaway
Come to think of it, maybe their planning wasn’t as thorough as previously believed. While in a shootout with only one cop, they managed to lose their driver to a lucky bullet, plunging their van into a telephone pole. They stumbled out, looking less cool with each passing second, and commandeered a truck. Moving ahead, they unloaded their arsenal of homemade weapons, buying them enough time to escape (although each man was later apprehended and sentenced to life in prison). Since each robber ended up with $4,000, and the average life sentence is about 20 years, that’s a genius take of 55 cents per day.
1. Spider-Man Turns Evil
If you had the power to jump buildings in a single bound, and blend in anywhere, undetected, would you use it for good or evil? Maybe you’d use it for neither, and be like Jaquan Muhammad, who choose to forgo the superhero life in exchange for robbing New Yorkers at knife-point. It’s an honorable profession. Don’t knock it.
The Heist
One day on the job, Jaquan stuck a knife in some guy’s face and took his money. Soon after, he found the police in hot pursuit. Jaquan was facing a lengthy prison sentence due to, of all things, a knife attack. Jaquan decided to lose himself in the crowded streets of downtown New York, where citizens pay about as much attention to a knife-wielding killer as they do to a well-dressed beggar.
The Getaway
Here’s the point where you should take a deep breath and put on your underwear. Jaquan weaved into a skyscraper and dodged police up 19 floors. There he prayed to whatever god armed robbers have, sprinted full-speed to an open window and jumped out. He jumped to the next building, landing hard on an air conditioning vent one story down. Jumping into an open window, Jaquan hopped into the elevator. On the way down, he mugged a delivery man for his uniform, put it on, and walked away from cops in broad daylight. Returning home, he snorted a huge bump of Spidey-dust and told Mary Jane to fix him dinner in an abusive manner. [citation needed]
For more video game-like crime sprees, check out the police blotter for video game-related crimes. You’ll also probably want to read about this weirdo cop.
Evan Hoovler co-wrote the National Lampoon book, “Pimp it Yourself,” and is the former head writer of the T.V. show “Abused News.” He executive produces the sketch comedy troupe, Drunk Nerds.
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