Pawn shops are stereotypically thought of as places to unload your stolen jewelry or maybe pawn your guitar to afford more heroin. Both of those things are true, but some of these pawnshops also make horrible local commercials (worst than these 15 Funniest Strip Club Commercials, but better than these 10 Worst Local Hip Hop Car Commercials). Here now are the 10 Worst Pawn Shop Commercials.
10. Fast Cash Pawn
This is the touching tale of a chubby dude with a ponytail and his over-mascara’d, tubetop girlfriend as they pawn their valuables so they can afford a trip to Vegas. Man, this place knows their customer base. I’m pretty sure they cast this commercial at a strip club.
9. Cash For Gold USA
I’m including this commercial, because it’s pretty much like a pawnshop, only national. Cash For Gold USA should not be confused with Cash 4 Gold, which is a whole separate scam. Since they can’t afford MC Hammer or Ed McMahon (RIP! NEVER FORGET), Cash For Gold USA instead subtly suggests you kill your family members, or at the very least, pull out their teeth with pliers.
8. Pawn-A-Rama
Lame graphics, an awful “jingle,” a public access set, you’d think this was from the late 80s or early 90s, but you’d be wrong. People were making commercials this horrible as recently as 2007.
God, I hope she said no.
7. National Jewelry & Pawn
This is probably the only commercial that ends with a midget dressed like a pirate-elf talking to a woman’s vagina.
6. Pawn USA
This commercial needs about 80 percent more “gooood night!” guy. Actually, he needs his own commercial.
5. Action Pawn
The concept must have come from a five-year-old on an acid trip.
4. Silas Deane Pawn
I think my colleagues down at Comedy College (soon to be Comedy University) would agree with me that a bad Arnold Schwarzenegger impression is one of the lowest forms of comedy, somewhere between Carrot Top’s props, and jokes making fun of Carrot Top. Doubling the amount of Arnold impressions oddly triples the unfunnyness. Someone with math should look into that.
3. Top Dollar Pawnbroker
These people have clearly embraced the conventions of the horrible local commercial genre, from the forced jokes to the costumes and bad wigs. It is a self-aware meditation on their chosen medium, or simply a happy accident? Either way, that is NOT how prospecting works.
2. Dynamic Pawn
Are you dating a serial killer who likes pendants? If so, Dynamic Pawn has the prefect Valentines Day gift.
1. Fast Eddy
A lot of people claim to have seen the world’s worst Pacino impression in the wild, but we’ve captured it on tape. Also, I think a general life rule is that you never trust your valuables to a guy named “Fast Eddy” who sounds like he just got here from Ripoffistan.
If you enjoyed this list, you might also enjoy these 17 Worst Beatles Songs Performed by Babies and the 7 Worst “Ghostbusters” Commercial Parodies. Then again, you might not.
This post was written by Brendan. Buy him a chainsow.
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