I’ve made out pretty well in my Craigslist transactions overall. I sold all my New York furniture on Craigslist before I moved to Los Angeles, and somehow bought all my LA furniture for less money when I arrived. I’ve found baseball tickets, actors (maybe even one of these 7 Funniest Bald Actors), and part-time jobs (even one of these 10 Jobs Where You Can Rock A Mustache). I’ve also been screwed over by a-holes who never showed up to buy my old laptop or tried to hide the fact that their “almost new” dresser had a huge burn hole in the back. And through all this experience scrolling up and down that text-only page, I’ve assembled this list of the 15 Biggest Losers On Craigslist.
15. The Guy Who Thinks You Want His Pile Of Dirt
Um, that’s great that you have a huge pile of dirt in your driveway, and it’s super nice of you to let me have it for free, but why the Hell would I want a huge pile of dirt? If you’re trying to trick me into disposing of your landscaping leftovers for free, you have failed.
14. The Guy Who Wants You To Have A Three Way With His Real Doll
Let’s forget how crazy it is that this guy wants you to have a “three-way” with him and an inanimate object, and instead focus on how crazy it is that he refers to “Gabrielle” as if she is a real person. This part takes the cake: “I’m not as picky as she is, so it would probably help your chances if you addressed your messages to her.” Yeah, I’ll get right on that.
13. The Guy Selling 275 Porno Movies
I like porn as much as the next guy, but why exactly do I need 275 porno DVDs? Better yet, why do you have 275 porno DVDs in the first place?
12. The Guy Who Wants You to Pick Lice Out Of People’s Hair
Hey, we’ve all been down on our luck. But I have never, ever, ever been so hard up for a job that I would even consider removing lice and eggs from the greasy heads of random strangers. They mention that “a good sense of humor a plus!” so maybe I’m just not funny enough for this line of work.
11. The Guy Who Writes Racist Rants
A horrible person, plain and simple. He deserves to live in Newark.
10. The Girl Who Is Selling Her Vagina Shaped Couch
Make your own joke about this one. Here, I’ll help you out — she mentions that “the couch has some scuffmarks and stains around the bottom” Go!
9. The Guy Who Wants You To Write A Movie For Free
Wow! You’re a big shot Hollywood mogul with a deal at Universal! You have “visionary directors” and a “major distribution deal” (sic)! Then why don’t you have a single dollar to pay the guy who’s writing your screenplay? Oh, and why are you looking for them on Craigslist?
8. The Girl Who Is An Obvious Hooker
You give “massages”? Riiiiight…
7. The Guy Scalping Tickets At 20 Times Face Value
Only $1000 for a ticket worth $50?! Who do I make the check out to?!
6. The Guy Selling His “Porn Laptop”
If you just said you were selling a “laptop,” perhaps I’d consider buying it. But that possibility went right out the window the instant you mentioned that all you ever used it for was pleasuring yourself to pornography. You couldn’t pay me to touch that nasty keyboard. Oh, and most people don’t need “an extra laptop to sneak in your office that is dedicated just for porn.” Boy am I glad I don’t work in your office.
5. The Girl Selling Her Used Panties
“Julie” you’re selling used panties from “me and the girls” who are “professionals dancers” (sic)? I think we all know you’re really some creepy middle-aged dude buying panties from thrift stores and marinating them in oil from tuna cans.
4. The Guy Who Thinks You Want His Broken TV
Another guy trying to trick people into removing trash from his house by giving it away for free. I wonder how often this works?
3. The Guy Who Leaves Messages For People Who Will Never Read Them
What’s weirder? That this guy thinks the woman who just looked at his apartment with her real estate broker actually finding the rambling message he wrote her on Craigslist, or that he considered her visit a first date?
2. The Guy Who Is Obviously Trolling For Gay Sex
You just want somebody assemble your bookshelves, you say? Surrrrrrrre. Then why are you specifically looking for handyMEN and offering to pay them with six movies from your large collection of gay male porn?
1. The Guy Who Thinks You Want To Eat His Groundhog
Sir, I think you’ll find that people who would eat a wild groundhog you found in your broccoli patch and people who own computers and use the Internet are two separate groups entirely. But, thanks for the woodchuck recipes.
For more annoying losers check out 8 People Who Make Shopping Malls Hell and 50 Things You Need To See If You’re An Idiot.
Posted Tim Saccardo, who has a hankering for groundhog.
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