You’re looking for a job (even though your creditors think you’re dead), but employers are looking for a cheaper alternative to hiring illegal immigrants. Here’s a handy translation guide so when your new job sucks worse than your old job (which probably had one of these 20 Obnoxious Cubicles), you won’t be surprised. Here now is Lowering Expectations: How To Really Read The Want Ads.
Phrase: “Great work environment!”
What it means: “We’ll let you wear jeans because we don’t pay you enough so you can afford nice clothes. Plus, we’re overcompensating because everyone that has ever quit this job considers us a-holes.”
Phrase: “Flexible hours”
What it means: “When business is slow, we’ll send you home without pay, but we won’t hesitate to ask you to ruin your weekend when we need you. And when you get your paycheck, you’ll find that we f*cked you out of overtime.”
Phrase: “Looking for a go-getter!”
What it means: “We expect you to have no life other than working for us. We’d rather you cancel your date and work late. Plus, everyone with more seniority than you, is a lazy d**chebag that we’re too lazy to fire.”
Phrase: “Unlimited growth potential”
What it means: “We’ll keep telling you about our dreams of expanding the business, but we’ll never get that many customers in this economy. It’s a way to string you along until we go out of business and screw you on your last paycheck, which the boss will use to get a h*ndjob at that Korean place he always talks about.”
Phrase: “Looking for a people person!”
What it means: “Looking for someone to put up with the supervisor’s retarded nephew who doesn’t give a crap about his job and will get paid more than you and get promoted right past you. Plus, we’re verbally abusive to our employees because we don’t want to acknowledge that they do all the actual work.”
Phrase: “Seeking presentable receptionist”
What it means: “We want to hire a hot chick for the guys in the office to fight over. She’ll be expected to read lewd emails, get hit on in the elevator and the screw the guy in the office that can best help her career. Plus, we’d appreciate it if she would quit the moment her looks went.”
Phrase: “A fun place to work!”
What it means: “It’ll be fun for like two days, then you’ll make a mistake and you’ll live in constant misery during your stay here. Our idea of “fun” are company training seminars that are boring and end up costing you money for gas and food, which we’ll only grudgingly and partially reimburse you for.”
Phrase: “Great benefits”
What it means: “We have a coffee maker. We stopped paying for our employees health care five years ago. We give you sick days, but there’s so many restrictions on using them that you’ll probably end up coming in sick anyway. Plus, they don’t rollover, and we’ll dock you a day’s pay if you don’t come in for the incredibly boring Christmas party we throw every year.”
Phrase: “Work with an awesome boss!”
What it means: “Our boss is a co-dependent freak that makes Steve Carell on “The Office” look like a normal guy. He doesn’t give two sh*ts about your qualifications as long as you laugh at his jokes, listen to his boring stories and hangout with him whenever the mood strikes. Hiring friends is the only way he can have them, but when you ask for a favor he’ll get insulted and call you unprofessional.”
Phrase: “Salary negotiable”
What it means: “We’re going to interview people until we find the most desperate amongst you that will work for nothing. We’ll fire you the day before you qualify for benefits or cut your hours to keep you an independent contractor. Either way, you’re screwed.”
We know you work hard for your money. We better treat you right. As a treat, we’re giving you these 10 Cartoon BabesThat Will Animate Your Pants and 15 Women Who Look Better In Mustaches.
Posted by Tony DiGerolamo who’d rather die than go back to a day job.
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